Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end.

ONE WEEK.

No tomorrow.

No “I’ll get him next time.”

No “my back was tight.”

No “the greens were slow.”

No “my handicap screwed me.”

This is it.

Fourteen weeks of mediocre golf, miraculous pars, questionable scorekeeping, medical emergencies, accusations of collusion, handicap violence, and one commissioner who apparently remembered how to golf at exactly the right time.

And somehow…

Jim H is sitting on the throne.

Bob H is hanging onto second place with both hands.

Jim T and Joe are trying desperately not to choke.

And Jay, Kevin and Mike are standing directly behind them whispering:

“Go ahead… miss one.”

Welcome to…

Position Golfer Points Situation

🥇 1Jim H45Show up and protect the kingdom

🥈 2Bob H40Safe? HAHAHA…no.

🥉 T-3Jim T39Win or start sweating

🥉 T-3Joe39Same problem👀 

T-5Jay37Needs a win AND some help👀

T-5Kevin37Needs a win AND some help👀

T-5Mike H37Needs a win AND some help

⚰️DonSomewhere back thereMathematically alive in the same way Elvis might still be alive.

This is NOT a normal final week.

A couple bad holes could change everything.

Someone currently sitting in the Top 4 could finish the night OUT.

Someone currently outside the Top 4 could be drinking from the championship chalice.

And Don could still make it if approximately eight people are kidnapped before tee time.

So technically…

EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

These odds have absolutely no mathematical legitimacy whatsoever and should not be used by anyone with access to actual money.

Jim H — -10,000

Requirement:

SHOW THE HELL UP.

That’s pretty much it.

Bob H — -250

Sitting second sounds comfortable.

It isn’t.

One bad night and suddenly Bob could be checking head-to-head matches to see if he might be eliminated.

Jim T — EVEN MONEY

39 points.

One week left.

Do yourself a favor:

WIN.

Because relying on five other golfers to help you usually ends badly.

Joe — EVEN MONEY

Also 39.

Also desperately needs a good night.

Joe shot 40 last week and STILL got screwed by handicap.

The good news?

He’s playing great.

The bad news?

Joe shooting 40 means history suggests a 57 may already be loading.

Jay — +175

Needs a win.

Needs help.

Needs somebody above him to screw up.

Basically…

THE COMMISH NEEDS CHAOS.

Fortunately, this league specializes in chaos.

Kevin — +175

Also sitting at 37.

His strategy remains brilliant:

Play decent golf while everybody worries whether Kevin should even BE playing golf.

The quadruple-bypass sympathy tour has been extremely effective.

Mike H — +175

Mike has quietly worked himself right into this thing.

A 45 last week.

Another strong night and a little help?

Mike could sneak into the Top 4 while nobody is looking.

Which is exactly how Mike likes it.

Don — +750,000

Needs:

A win.

Several losses.

Multiple no-shows.

Possible food poisoning.

Car trouble.

An electrical outage.

And potentially a ruling from the Pennsylvania Supreme Court.

BUT…

MATHEMATICALLY ALIVE!

OH BOY.

You couldn’t script this any better.

Jim H enters Championship Week sitting atop the standings with 45 points.

Jay enters at 37, fighting for his playoff life.

Jim's mission:

Jay's mission:

Jim has been the model of consistency most of the season.

But then last week…

47.

Hmmmmm.

Is that just one bad round?

Or…

Is the pressure beginning to crack the foundation?

Engineers hate structural failures.

And Jay suddenly fires a 45 last week.

Coincidence?

Maybe.

Or perhaps the mysterious Imposter Commissioner has finally been removed and the REAL COMMISH HAS RETURNED.

Ignore Jay.

Ignore the standings.

Ignore the trash talking.

Ignore the mysterious man near your vehicle holding jumper cables.

Just golf.

Keep the ball in play.

Make Jim think about the standings.

Remind Jim he shot 47 approximately every six minutes.

And for God's sake…

DO NOT SHOOT 60.

Jim SHOULD be the favorite.

But Jay is coming off a 45.

Jim is coming off a 47.

And pressure does strange things to grown men holding golf clubs.

JIM H -1

Will Jay mention Jim's 47 before the second tee?

YES -800

This matchup is enormous.

Joe: 39 points

Mike: 37 points

There isn't much complicated mathematics here.

Joe wins?

He puts himself in excellent shape.

Mike wins?

Joe could be OUT and Mike could be IN.

That's called:

Joe shot a fantastic 40 last week.

Mike shot 45.

Both guys are playing good golf at exactly the right time.

Unfortunately for Joe, there's one problem.

Joe has already been kicked in the nuts by it many times.

Will it happen again?

Tune in next week!

Shoot another 40.

And maybe shoot a 38 just to make sure the handicap can't find some new and creative way to screw you.

Hang around.

Keep it close.

Let the strokes work.

Make Joe start thinking:

“Oh shit…not this again.”

Once that thought enters his head?

Attack.

This could easily become the match that determines who makes the Top 4.

PICK 'EM

Joe shoots another round in the low 40s but somehow still complains about handicap afterward:

-375

We assume Rosey will actually attend this one.

After spending weeks telling Jay how badly he was going to beat him…

Rosey mysteriously vanished.

Bob had to substitute.

Investigators continue looking into the alleged $20 Joe-to-Rosey disappearance payment.

No arrests have been made.

Yet.

Now Rosey gets Don.

Normally you'd think:

Easy money.

But WAIT.

Don just shot:

FORTY-EIGHT!

For Don that's the equivalent of Scottie Scheffler firing a 59.

Don enters the final week with absolutely nothing to lose.

Which makes him dangerous.

Mostly to himself…

But occasionally to his opponent.

Step One:

SHOW UP.

Let's start there.

Do whatever the hell you did last week.

Nobody understands it.

Don't analyze it.

Don't question it.

Just repeat it.

Don winning two weeks in a row would be one of the great miracles in Little Dogg Golf League history.

Which means…

It's probably going to happen.

ROSEY -2½

Rosey actually reaches the first tee:

YES -110

Now we get serious.

Sort of.

Jim's situation is beautifully simple.

The Commish's official interpretation is that if Jim shows up for Championship Week, he's got first place locked down.

Which raises an interesting question:

Bob and Jay are both still mathematically interested in Jim experiencing some sort of completely innocent transportation difficulty.

Nothing illegal.

Nothing dangerous.

Maybe Jim just suddenly forgets where the course is or all 4 tires are flat...or missing.

These things happen.

Bob has the second-best seat in the house.

But that chair has three loose legs.

If Bob loses badly and the guys behind him win…

He could go from:

SECOND PLACE

to

WHAT TIME IS THE END-OF-SEASON BANQUET?

in approximately nine holes.

Very simple.

Don't look at anybody else's match.

Don't calculate anything.

Don't ask what Joe is doing.

Just beat the guy standing across from you.

A loss opens the door.

And there are three idiots at 37 ready to run through it.

Same deal.

Lose to Mike?

Now things get extremely uncomfortable.

Especially because Mike is only two points behind him.

Joe's final-week motto should be:

The Commish needs two things:

and

Bob misses a putt?

Beautiful.

Joe hits one OB?

Outstanding.

Jim T three-putts?

THAT'S A SHAME.

Sportsmanship officially ends at approximately 4:15 PM.

Kevin also needs:

He needs somebody sitting at 39 or 40 to stumble.

Kevin's biggest advantage?

Nobody wants to celebrate too aggressively after beating the guy who just had quadruple bypass surgery.

Psychological warfare.

Brilliant.

Mike has arguably the most direct opportunity of the three 37-point guys.

Why?

Because he's playing JOE.

Mike doesn't have to sit around hoping somebody ahead of him loses.

Beat Joe.

Collect the points.

Then stare at the scoreboard.

That's playoff golf.

Because with this group there's about a 93% chance somebody finishes tied.

HEAD-TO-HEAD

You beat him?

Congratulations.

You win the tie.

If you split head-to-head…

We go back to the MOST RECENT MATCH between the two golfers.

Starting with the easiest handicap hole, we compare scores with strokes included.

Then we move hole-by-hole toward the hardest hole until somebody wins.

If after all of that we STILL cannot determine a winner…

Fourteen weeks.

Hundreds of holes.

Thousands of swings.

Hundreds of dollars in golf balls.

Blood.

Sweat.

Tears.

Quadruple bypass surgery.

Golf-Gate investigations.

Handicap controversies.

The mysterious Imposter Commissioner.

And everything comes down to…

HEADS.

TAILS.

SEASON OVER.

Sorry boys.

SOMEBODY GOTTA LOSE.

Jim H is protecting the throne.

Bob H is trying not to fall out of the Top 4.

Jim T and Joe are defending their positions.

Jay, Kevin and Mike are coming from behind with absolutely nothing to lose.

Don suddenly thinks he's Tiger Woods because he shot 48.

Rosey may or may not actually attend.

And somewhere in the parking lot…

Someone is probably checking to make sure all four tires still have air.

This is exactly how a golf league season should end.

Gentlemen…

Check your clubs.

Check your handicap.

Check the standings.

And before leaving your house…

CHECK YOUR CAR.

Because Championship Week is here.

— THE COMMISH

1. Jay vs. Jim H ✅2. Don vs. Rosey ✅3. Mike vs. Joe ✅4. JR vs. Kevin 5. Flip vs. Carl 6. Jim T vs. Bob 

CONGRATS to last years Champ Bob !